Sonnet 14 by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

This is for the man who is destined to love me... how I want to be loved? Read and understand this.

If thou must love me
by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

If thou must love me, let it be for nought
Except for love's sake only. Do not say,
"I love her for her smile—her look—her way
Of speaking gently,—for a trick of thought
That falls in well with mine, and certes brought
A sense of pleasant ease on such a day"—
For these things in themselves, Belovèd, may
Be changed, or change for thee—and love, so wrought,
May be unwrought so. Neither love me for
Thine own dear pity's wiping my cheeks dry:
A creature might forget to weep, who bore
Thy comfort long, and lose thy love thereby!
But love me for love's sake, that evermore
Thou mayst love on, through love's eternity.

Awakened

So this is how it feels... after the longest time I finally feel this. Well I guess that's the normal process...If you have been giving for the longest time, if you have been understanding and all of those remained unrequited in the end the giver will feel tired. Honestly somehow I am glad I am now feeling this, it means that I am getting there. For the longest time I have tried to understand even if they were beyond understanding, I gave and gave even if I wasn't getting anything in return. Finally now tiredness envelopes me.

This time its gonna be me first...I may sound selfish but that's how it should really be. All those times I thought of others first. I've tried to put myself behind even if it is something I wanted the most. This time its not gonna happen anymore unless I'll be getting exactly the same gesture.

Well I guess that's the proper chain... give and take! It isn't always giving and giving and giving without getting anything in return. I have learned my lesson. And I am just really grateful that this is how I feel right now. It means that the tide is turning.

Finally, I have awakened.

Tired and Frustrated

I really have some streaks of bad luck the past few weeks. I am so dead tired and I just wish I could take a damn week off just by myself. I am supposed to be enjoying the shores of Infanta, Quezon right now unfortunately with some streaks of bad luck here I am. Mom told me not to leave the kids behind. God, why do I always have to be the one to get to worry about them. Ever since I had my first born, I never had a vacation in my life. No out of towns. And nope I haven't bought a single thing for me, something that I really want... haayyy...It has always the kids first.... Now here I am stuck in the house again because I have to look after them and we only have one nanny. Leaving them to her is a big no no because that would be really too much. Don't get me wrong, I don't despise my nanny, in fact I am very thankful to have her. Just imagine that she has been doing the works of two people for the past 5 months and even though she complains most of the times, she still has not left us, considering the fact that she has lots of place to go to with a much bigger pay. She cares about my kids, the way a blood relation would care for them. I feel so blessed to have her. God if she's another person, she would have left us a long time ago. Delayed salary and heavy load of chores, imagine taking care of three kids and house chores... that is just damn too much. Haay why the hell am I living a very complicated and frustrating life? Geeez...

When I was a young girl, I have dreamt of a simple and happy life. I dreamt of having a happy family where I would go home at the end of the day and my kids are there along with my better half. I dream of spending the weekends having barbeque with them or doing out of towns with the entire family. I dreamt of having a partner who will take care of me and the kids. Someone whom I can depend on and someone who will be my rock when everything becomes wavy. Someone who will never allow anyone to get between us. Haay I am such a romantic fool. But I am proud of that. I failed with my recent relationship but I promise myself that I won't fail again. Next time I will definitely make sure that I will be with the one who can understand me and love me as a whole. Well I am positive that there is somebody out there who shares the same ideals with mine.... for future applicants, here are my standards: I dont want a guy who drinks alcohol, yup especially those who do drink till dawn and would come home in the mornings even if they already have kids. That is so irresponsible, don't give me a damn reason that you have problems because for all you know your partner may be encountering a heavier burden than you and yet still thought of the kids first. Yes I need a real father. 2nd, I want a guy who will choose me over his friends. Call me selfish but I don't want my partner to make me feel insecure by choosing his friend over me especially when I already said that I feel jealous about a girl. 3rd, I want a guy who will be my best friend, someone whom I could run to when the world seems to go against me. And last I want somebody who is a believer... This adage may seem old but true enough there is values in people who believes in Supreme Being. The family that prays together stays together. By birth I am a Catholic, at this point of time I am now a pagan but I believe in Supreme Being. I have lots of flaws and I want my partner to accept that, the way that I would accept his flaws. We all have short comings. I want a guy who heads home right after work and gets contented by just playing with the kids while waiting for his dinner to be served. No drinking and no smoking, apart from spending money, what else can you get from there? Nothing. I know that somewhere out there, there is someone made especially just for me and I know I will have the kind of family I dreamt about. As I end this I enclose a prayer and later tonight I will find a star where I can keep my wish that one day I will have the kind of man and family that I wish for.