Just another rant!

Long weekend, yup supposedly, since yesterday is US Labor Day, unfortunately situation has really a funny way of interfering with me. Long weekend but not rested. Yup got kids to take care of and chores to be done plus the nanny has taken her day off. I was suppose to go out last Saturday unfortunately due to the situation, that has been put off too. Ganda di ba. Just imagine this... I do work at night from 10pm to 7 am and during the days I look after the kids. The nanny has to accompany either Tyke or Bobet to school. Bottom line? I sleep around 5 pm and wake up at 9 pm... Yes what a great daily routine. Good thing nga di pa bumibigay ang katawan ko. Nakakapagod na kasi. Imagine sa payat kong to ah, I barely sleep at 4 hours a day. DI lang yun, lots to look after pa, bills to pay, budget na kailangang pagkasiyahin ay super nakakainis na at minsan, nakaksawa na rin ung buhay na ganito. Ok lang sana kung yun lang, fuck shet pati personal kong buhay di rin ok. Oh yeah so much for the happily ever after romance that I have dreamt about when I was a kid. I suck. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko. I must do something about this or else I will always be grumpy Ane. Jaean and I have separated months ago, unfortunately up until this time magkasama pa din kami thus both of us can't move on. I know the kids should highly be considered, but then again dapat ba kids lang? Panu naman ung personal happiness naming dalawa? We both know we can no longer work it out. I am just thinking, cge at this point of time we are thinking about the kids welfare, but how about when the time comes that they will set forth with their own lives? What will happen sa akin? There are lots of cases of broken families and I know that most kids have turned out na di okay, still there are some who have grown out gracefully out of that worst situation. No matter how old or young we are, it is no doubt that separation can bring out great level of anxieties and disappointment, still they can cope. I guess one way to settle this is to settle it amicably. Months ago kung matigas ulo ko wanting them for myself alone, now after careful consideration, I realized something else may work out well. As in divide everything in 50's. Ok since pareho naman kaming parents, the kids would want to have us both for themselves. So why not give them what they want? Say buong one week sa akin and next week naman saDaddy nila, then the next sa akin ulit. Fair di ba? Sa haws ko ng buong week, then sa haws naman nia the next week. Special occasion for the kids we can both be present. Fifty fifty din sa lahat ng expenses ng kids para fair and square. At least this way equally divided and shared. This way din we can both have time para sa mga sarili naming happiness as well as finding the person whom we can spend the rest of our lives with. I'm growing old. I could not deny that fact. The kids are also growing and so are the times. It is changing fast. Don't get me wrong. I do love my kids so much, but at this time I am also thinking about what will happen to me when they are no longer around. At the setting sun of my life I just want to enjoy my life, talking, joking or perhaps watching the sun set along with my better half. Life is about love after all. In spite of the failure that I have gone through, I've never felt cynical about love. In fact it even made me realize that if I have tried to work things out to a love that was not meant for me, how much happiness would I feel when the right one comes along? Haayy grabe Im on my late 20's and yet stuck up pa din ako sa dilemna na to. Supposedly by this time I am working on maintaining and enjoying a happy family. Well katangahan ko din to. Anyway, find a way to really find the best solution I must or in hell will I find myself in rot. Wag naman sana.

Sonnet 14 by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

This is for the man who is destined to love me... how I want to be loved? Read and understand this.

If thou must love me
by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

If thou must love me, let it be for nought
Except for love's sake only. Do not say,
"I love her for her smile—her look—her way
Of speaking gently,—for a trick of thought
That falls in well with mine, and certes brought
A sense of pleasant ease on such a day"—
For these things in themselves, Belovèd, may
Be changed, or change for thee—and love, so wrought,
May be unwrought so. Neither love me for
Thine own dear pity's wiping my cheeks dry:
A creature might forget to weep, who bore
Thy comfort long, and lose thy love thereby!
But love me for love's sake, that evermore
Thou mayst love on, through love's eternity.

Awakened

So this is how it feels... after the longest time I finally feel this. Well I guess that's the normal process...If you have been giving for the longest time, if you have been understanding and all of those remained unrequited in the end the giver will feel tired. Honestly somehow I am glad I am now feeling this, it means that I am getting there. For the longest time I have tried to understand even if they were beyond understanding, I gave and gave even if I wasn't getting anything in return. Finally now tiredness envelopes me.

This time its gonna be me first...I may sound selfish but that's how it should really be. All those times I thought of others first. I've tried to put myself behind even if it is something I wanted the most. This time its not gonna happen anymore unless I'll be getting exactly the same gesture.

Well I guess that's the proper chain... give and take! It isn't always giving and giving and giving without getting anything in return. I have learned my lesson. And I am just really grateful that this is how I feel right now. It means that the tide is turning.

Finally, I have awakened.

Tired and Frustrated

I really have some streaks of bad luck the past few weeks. I am so dead tired and I just wish I could take a damn week off just by myself. I am supposed to be enjoying the shores of Infanta, Quezon right now unfortunately with some streaks of bad luck here I am. Mom told me not to leave the kids behind. God, why do I always have to be the one to get to worry about them. Ever since I had my first born, I never had a vacation in my life. No out of towns. And nope I haven't bought a single thing for me, something that I really want... haayyy...It has always the kids first.... Now here I am stuck in the house again because I have to look after them and we only have one nanny. Leaving them to her is a big no no because that would be really too much. Don't get me wrong, I don't despise my nanny, in fact I am very thankful to have her. Just imagine that she has been doing the works of two people for the past 5 months and even though she complains most of the times, she still has not left us, considering the fact that she has lots of place to go to with a much bigger pay. She cares about my kids, the way a blood relation would care for them. I feel so blessed to have her. God if she's another person, she would have left us a long time ago. Delayed salary and heavy load of chores, imagine taking care of three kids and house chores... that is just damn too much. Haay why the hell am I living a very complicated and frustrating life? Geeez...

When I was a young girl, I have dreamt of a simple and happy life. I dreamt of having a happy family where I would go home at the end of the day and my kids are there along with my better half. I dream of spending the weekends having barbeque with them or doing out of towns with the entire family. I dreamt of having a partner who will take care of me and the kids. Someone whom I can depend on and someone who will be my rock when everything becomes wavy. Someone who will never allow anyone to get between us. Haay I am such a romantic fool. But I am proud of that. I failed with my recent relationship but I promise myself that I won't fail again. Next time I will definitely make sure that I will be with the one who can understand me and love me as a whole. Well I am positive that there is somebody out there who shares the same ideals with mine.... for future applicants, here are my standards: I dont want a guy who drinks alcohol, yup especially those who do drink till dawn and would come home in the mornings even if they already have kids. That is so irresponsible, don't give me a damn reason that you have problems because for all you know your partner may be encountering a heavier burden than you and yet still thought of the kids first. Yes I need a real father. 2nd, I want a guy who will choose me over his friends. Call me selfish but I don't want my partner to make me feel insecure by choosing his friend over me especially when I already said that I feel jealous about a girl. 3rd, I want a guy who will be my best friend, someone whom I could run to when the world seems to go against me. And last I want somebody who is a believer... This adage may seem old but true enough there is values in people who believes in Supreme Being. The family that prays together stays together. By birth I am a Catholic, at this point of time I am now a pagan but I believe in Supreme Being. I have lots of flaws and I want my partner to accept that, the way that I would accept his flaws. We all have short comings. I want a guy who heads home right after work and gets contented by just playing with the kids while waiting for his dinner to be served. No drinking and no smoking, apart from spending money, what else can you get from there? Nothing. I know that somewhere out there, there is someone made especially just for me and I know I will have the kind of family I dreamt about. As I end this I enclose a prayer and later tonight I will find a star where I can keep my wish that one day I will have the kind of man and family that I wish for.

Pain within

Have you ever had that feeling when you see your world crumbling right before you eyes? I am just really tired and I just want to take a rest. Emotionally, I am so battered. Lots of things have already been shattered. Somehow it was my fault too. Maybe its too late to pick things up. Maybe at this point letting go is really the best thing to do.

Somehow I am also dead tired and at this point of time, yup maybe I can no longer understand, I also want to be understood.

Just feel really sad that it didn't work. I know that someday though everything will be alright. In God's time everything fall back to where they should be.

That's what Moms are for!

Sigh... haayy. I was out of the office for two weeks, was out sick and was ask for a rest unfortunately I got nothing of it. Wheew... with 3 kids in the house, a year old, an almost 3 year old baby boy whose adrenaline seems to come out from all over his body and from a 4 1/2 year old daughter who seems to be on her hyper curious mode and with just one nanny around, I wonder how someone could ever get a rest. I have just been from the office, no I did not report for work... I submitted my SSS documents, the sickness notification form and all the other forms and the major reason why I went there is because I needed to get my pay. Yup I borrowed money from my colleague and he has my ATM as a collateral. Due to all the loans I am paying and those damn deductions, I just got a total amount of P5,800 as a net. My gross would have been 15,600 but due to taxes, government mandatory deductions, the office loan that I am paying for 2500 per cut off and the one I borrowed from my friend with 10% interest, it dwindled to 5800.00. Geez I have to get another load of writing from Owen to add up to my income. With all the bills in the house, the needs of the kids my combined salary with Jae barely meet the end. There are lots of things I want to buy, unfortunately, the kids have to come first. Anais and Bobet haven't got their school things first. I haven't even bought a single piece of their things yet. Bobet has not even been enrolled yet. Haay. All these bills and all the things that we need to pay for... I no longer know what to do. Well I guess I have to work my ass off, get some more writing load to add up. Well that's what moms are for. I have limited choices, either I work for my kids even if it would mean pushing myself to the limit. So much for whines now, off to get new work load. Good luck for my rest... maybe some other day, I can have that rest, but for now, my kids come first.

Thank You to My Lucky Stars

Hahahaha, for the first time this week, I really feel relieve. Since i got into the office at 10pm today, work is put on hold. Hehehehe... yup systems down... It's almost lunchtime and Varolli hasn't come back to life yet. I have to thank my lucky stars for this. If my constellation has already changed its path, then she has my thanks too.... wahahahahaha. I just hope that this will last the entire shift. Yehey. The doctor told me that the reason why I got sick is due to over fatigue, then fate has made a way to get me rested even for just several hours. Since I couldn't afford an absence from work, fate has interfered. Hehehehe. Thank you so much... I can't show you how grateful I am. As the saying goes, no matter how bad everthing is going on with your life, as always there can be someone or something that can make you laugh. Hahaha... really and I'm getting burnt out from my job. Yup it isn't actually a career, putting it bluntly, it's just a freaking job, unfortunately it's the one that puts food and water on our table so there is no way I could give it up at this point of time. unless I get another one.

I may have lots of issues at the moment, but for this alone, I feel thankful somehow. At least one burden has been taken out of my shoulder. hehehehehe

Well, life will never hold everything at a bay, as always the tide will turn. I just hope that soon everything in my life will fall into their respective places.

But for now.... I can't be thankful enough, even for just this simple thing. Thank you, thank you and thank you!

Sana bukas ulit. Wahahahahaha

Where The Light Touches The Earth

Life they say isn’t fair. It maybe true or it may not be. I can not really honestly say that life is fair at all. I have my share of laurels and foul ups. Maybe we need to be treated unfair at times so that we may learn how to be fair to other people. Whenever I wake up each day, I can’t help but noticed that time has indeed flown so fast. I can not help but reminisce my childhood. I was young and vibrant then, so full of hope that the world will welcome me in banquets. When I have grown a little older though, I realized that life isn’t a fairy tale. Well, even fairy tales have villains, don’t they? It was then that I found out that the world is not as friendly as I thought it would be. There are lots of faces in this world. I have met people who have been great to me, some of them I have kept my friendship for the past two decades. They are the people I know I can trust my life with. And even in distance they are the friends who are happy with the success that I have had, if ever there was and they are also the people who help divide the sorrows that I had. There are also people I have met in passing, some of them left good memories with me and there are some people who, however short the stint they had with my life had left an undeniable pain and discomfort. There are also those friends who had turned to foes and vice versa. At this point of time, I am once again in the crossroads… or should I say highway? I am still a traveler, like I was once, still unsure of where the roads are heading. Somehow there is this unexplained loneliness from within me. I feel unappreciated and left out. This feeling that I have where in however hard I tried; whatever I do will never be enough. I am not enough. People sometimes need an assurance that they are being loved. Hilarious as it may appear but as the old adage goes, the essence of life is in loving. People love to be loved. People need other people and we need to be needed as well. It’s a fact of life. It may be symbiosis in an ecosystem. And as a member of the homo sapien, I feel those feelings. It’s a typical causal-effect relationship. I understand other people but I also want them to understand me. I don’t know! Geez, I maybe on my emo- mode right now, as they call it or I’ve just been quite really sensitive the past few days. I just feel really sad, not to mention this back pain and fever coupled with headache and colds that I have for quite a few days now. It’s really draining the energy out of me. I just want to take a rest. I just want not to worry about anything else. I hope I could be a child once again and just be carefree. Well, that definitely is quite an impossible wish… At this state, I just want to be at peace. I don’t want to be hurt in any way. I don’t want any imbalances at this point. Changes are inevitable though if indeed there are some things that need to be changed and if it will cause discomfort to me in any way, I just want to bring it on and get it over with. I have been through a lot so I am quite confident that I will get through it. Life they say never offers an assurance that everything will always be alright. Along one’s journey, something is always bound to rock the trip. Oh well, what matters there is you get to your destination quite safe. At this moment though I just want to be in a tranquil state, somehow though something stirs from beneath. At this point I am too weak to oppose it. If it is how the constellation aligns their path, then I’ll just try my best to get out of the way and not get too scathed.

Then one day it will rearrange its way very much aligned to my path and perhaps I’ll get the chance to get to go to the mountain where the light touches the earth… For now, I just hope that everything will be alright or should I say everything is alright.

Just Some Thoughts

Just damn tired... I want to take a rest but I can't... I can't afford another absent from work, it's going to pull me down bigtime. Just been to clinic and at this time I'm burning with fever at 38.6. Oh I have a choice to go home but that will blotch a big consequence, so I can't choose that option... haay... add the fact that bills are piling up and enrollment of the kids are getting near... Need to save for them. I'll take some chances on betting at a lottery... who knows I might win? Hahahaha that is if I won't be lazy enough and could drag myself to the lottery booth to bet. I doubt it though... I'd rather take some sleep when i get home.

Really I wanna go to the zennith of the mountain and cry out on the top of my voice... I'm pissed, yup I feel so bad. Some people just don't know how to appreciate other people. Oh well, I shouldn't be surprised, some people are just like that. I guess I just feel so bad and taken for granted... well whoever said life is easy and fair? No one right?

Just tired
Wanna go to sleep but cant
because I need to work
Cant afford to be absent
Lots of bills to worry about
Enrollment is drawing near
The children need lots of stuffs

I have a splitting headache
But resting is not an option
Can't at this time
Later yup, when my shift concluded

Still edgy
A little bit pissed off
Somehow annoyed
Oh well,
Maybe I'm being over sensitive
But who won't be?
If you feel taken for granted?
If you've done so much for someone and doesn't feel appreciated?
Oh well maybe I wasn't really important to him
Lesson learned, value myself
Then at least I won't get such disappointment.

Just tired...
Wanna take a vacation
Just want to take a long sleep
With no worries
Nothing to think of...
Is there such a place?
I'd love to go there....

Oh well...some wishful thoughts...

Can I Have Some Rest?

It has been a while since I have last visited this site... I stopped my regular postings as I noticed that most of them are actually rants and I'm getting tired of myself as well. Sadly though my post today is nothing but rant again... geez, Life!

I guess I woke up at the wrong side of the bed this week. My Monday was a not so good Monday... Oh it has got nothing to do with elections. Haays I am really getting tired of my work... So much pressure, but I have limited choices at this time. Even if I wanted to quit work, that won't be an option at this time. With three kids, the bills and all those daily expenses not working can not really be my choice. Payday today... sadly though my ATM isn't with m. I borrowed money from an office mate and he neede my ATM as collateral. Geez, it's been a while since I'm with the company where I am at right now but it looked like I haven't bought anything for myself... hayys... I have planned to buy that sofa and yet up until now, I havent got that sofa yet. Sometimes I just want to take a break... I'm really tired of not getting enough sleep and yet I have to bring myself to work because I need to. I wish I can take a week off, just be with myself and sleeeeeepppp. Boy I'm just glad my eldest daughter is having her vacation at Bicol... I also want to take my vacation, but time and funds won't allow it... Geee I'm really tired. Guess I gotta park now... I still have work later, has to do it, I have limited choices. My work sucks, I don't want to be there, I don't want to do it but I just have to.

Sigh, Me and Stupidity

Here I am sitting and wondering how much stupid I can get at times? The answer? Really freaking stupid especially if you wake me up at the middle of my sleep. Yesterday someone from SmartBro, (at least that's what he said) and I feel like crap for taking the bait hook and sinker without so much investigation as to who really the heel he is. Well he said that SmartBro has this retention program for those subscribers who have been with Smart for at least 9 months now. Sttupid me, I signed the paper and when he asked my ID to be photocopied, I just handed it out... grrrr... Good thing is that freaking ID is not a valid ID since I am no longer connected with that company and that company is no longer in that vicinity. But for goodness sake it still bothers me. Well I don't think there will be any identity theft although my SSS and TIN infos are in there. I already reported the incident to SmartBro just in case any tampering might happen. Just the same I still feel bad.. wahhh. I need to get my ID back.

On God's Existence

It has been a while since I have last blogged. Merely because I also got tired of my own whines. Looks like every time I go over my posts I find something to whine about.

Lately these days I have been pondering on some things. I have not kept it a secret that I have so long ago got involved with paganism. I was born and raised as a Catholic by my folks and in fact my children are all baptized under this religion. I am giving them their choice. When the time comes it is up to them to choose what belief they would want to pursue.

Do I believe in God? Yes and no! Yes I do believe in Supreme being, that there is someone up there who had created this universe and someone who created me. No I no longer believe Him the way religions describe Him. I have discovered so long the flaws of religions each claiming that theirs are the ways in order for your soul to be saved. So much for all the dogmas and beliefs that they have.

Its just funny how those people who claim themselves to be Christian perceive the bible. It seems that it is easy for them to believe that the bible is the word of God yet most of them are not really willing to comprehend what the bible says.

Do I believe in the bible? Oh yes I do... but... I have been always trying to read the different versions of bible. Funny how a single word would give out an entirely different meaning once misinterpreted. Take the word Apocalypse for example. For ignorant Catholics, this mean the end of the world, when in fact this beautiful Greek word means revelation.

Even when I was a child lots of questions ran through my mind. There are lots of unanswered questions. I once tried to voice out my sentiments but it was shunned. I then kept them to myself. Unfortunately they kept boiling within me. When I got into college it even got worse. Oh no I am not an Agnostic... not an Atheist rather as I believe that there is a higher being. But the idea of being brought to heaven when you have been that faithful child or being delivered to hell if you become that prodigal son just amuses me. For the longest time I have been wondering.... what if heaven and hell has been misinterpreted by religions? After all for the longest time religion seems to have a funny way of speaking the truth. For the longest time in history religions played the role of misconstruing the truth. And over time it has not changed that fact.

To all those who claim themselves to be Christians, the core of your belief is the bible. Indeed know your faith!

I believe in the existence of Supreme being, that there is an architect who designed this universe I am in... and yes I believe that all His/ Her creations are created according to the architect's image. This could have never been truer. Indeed all being are created according to His/ her likeness.

In the wrong hands this can be a very potent weapon but in the hands of illuminated it can provide enlightenment, one that you could ever imagine!

First Monday of the Year

First Monday of the month, and of the year 2010.
Back to the old grind...
back to work...
wasn't able to access one of my online journals, gee i forgot the password and i can't remember which email address I have used. Stupid of me...
Well got lots of things to do...
Has to make plans and have to make them work.
Need to save money... Got a long list of things to buy.
Need to look for someting that will make memoney, something legal... wahehehe.
Need to look for nannies who can look after the kids. Oh no not like the ones weve got now. They really tick me off and they are definitely annoying. Gee especially the old one, she is completely getting into my nerves. Completely annoying me. Grrr. I want to get rid of her soon. Gee would you believe that she actually takes my kids stuffs? She even drank the kids Milo.Super asar as in. Hampas lupa talaga and gee even if you tell them not to touch my stuff they just can't resist it... It's really annoying the hell out of me. Grrrr.What a year to start.

Just thesame I am still hopeful that 2010 will be packed with lots of blessings.